There was a time in my life when I was addicted, trapped, and prideful, but God radically transformed my heart and mind, and now I get to experience more of who God is and share about him with others.
I grew up in a loving Christian home, and I was blessed to witness the faithfulness of my parents and older siblings. My parents were devoted to ministry with our family: going to church, reading Scripture, teaching us about Jesus, praying, and sharing the gospel with us. From an early age, I understood Jesus died and rose again to save me from my sin, and I was gifted the salvation I learned about.
As I learned from my siblings, who were several years older than me, I noticed that I matured more quickly than my peers. I became a goody-two-shoes and a rule follower, and I always knew the answers in school or church. This led to a lot of pride, comparison, and a competitive nature.
I spent time with a group of friends, but I felt like I was on the outskirts, so I would put on a mask to try to fit in. I became quiet and didn’t speak up, obsessed with my image and how my friends viewed me. Around this same time, I was introduced to pornography. What started out as a bad habit quickly became an addiction. I tried to hide my struggle, but it was just another mask I was putting on.
There was a growing dissonance between my sinful lifestyle and who I truly was in Christ.
My relationships with friends I had known my whole life were falling apart, which made me feel lonely and isolated. Then, when my older siblings both moved to college, I felt isolated at home too. This only led me further into my sin. I reached a breaking point and finally confessed to my parents. They responded with so much love and grace, and they encouraged me to go through Re:generation for Students, Watermark’s biblical recovery ministry for students in grades 6-12.
If the process for growing in Christ is like a staircase, Re:gen for Students lit up the staircase for me for the first time. It showed me the steps I needed to take, where I needed to go, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
At this point in the story, a lot of people would say that God radically changed their life, that he delivered them in a moment of weakness and, since then, they have been free from their sin. That was not God’s story for me.
I ended Re:gen for Students right where I started. I was in a cycle: I would sin, feel deep conviction, and turn to the Lord in repentance, but I would sin again. All the while, I was growing increasingly distant from my friends.
The summer before my junior year of high school, I finally surrendered to the Lord, letting go of my lifelong friendships. It was more than a friend-group change—it represented a life change God was doing in me. I began to grow more than ever in my Bible reading and prayer life, and God provided incredible godly friends through Shoreline, Watermark’s high school ministry. But I still felt so weighed down by sin.
I felt like I was doing all the right things to fight sin, so why wasn’t I free yet?
I thought about how prideful I was and remembered 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: Paul was given a thorn to keep him humble. I realized that, in my battle against sin, God was teaching me how to depend on him completely.
James 1:22-24 says, “But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like."
Faith is a precious treasure given to us so that we may see Jesus more clearly on earth. The last thing we should want to do is gaze at how great Jesus really is, then just walk away and forget. Because if God is even greater than we can imagine, our sin must be even worse than we think.
The solution to sin isn't to try harder; it’s to behold the glory of Christ. The more you focus on how good Jesus is, the less appealing the things of this world become.
I’m still learning how to keep my eyes on Jesus, and God has helped by giving me godly friends from various schools and grade levels to grow in Christ with by reading and discussing Scripture, praying, confessing sin, and encouraging one another.
I know I'm prone to pride, which is why I have to ask God continually to keep me humble and dependent on him. And while I once thought I could overcome sin on my own, God has shown me how much I need him. Surrendering to him, turning from my sin, and learning to behold his glory have transformed my life. And while I still have a lot to learn, I get to keep growing in my relationship with Jesus and pointing others to behold his glory too.