Content Note: Teish’s story includes references to suicide, sexual harassment, and sexual abuse.
“Between the ages of seven and nineteen, I lost count of how many times I attempted to take my life as I suffered through a battle with my mental health.
“Through my Catholic private schooling, I was aware there was a God in heaven who sent his Son to die on the cross for our sins, but I didn’t realize what that meant, so in the early parts of my childhood, I did not have a relationship with Christ.
“When I was seven, I experienced sexual harassment and sexual abuse, but no one I told believed me. Having my experience dismissed and invalidated made me feel invisible, angry, and depressed. Intense suicidal thoughts crept in and would persist for the next 12 years.
“A few years later, my mom made a decision that would change the trajectory of our family—she placed her faith in Christ. When an unexpected pregnancy led her to a clinic, a technician encouraged her to choose life for her babies and turn to Jesus instead. My mom learned that God could save, and she changed everything in her life to honor him, including ending her unhealthy relationship and moving our family.
“We moved to a small town, but there, the racism I experienced only added to my despair and mental health struggles. I thought the hurt was my fault and believed that if I could prove my value through straight As and leadership roles, people couldn’t hurt me the way they did before.
“Later, during my junior year of high school, my aunt, who was a faithful follower of Jesus, passed away. I was mad, but my mom grieved differently. My mom was deeply sad but hopeful because she was confident my aunt was with Jesus. I didn’t understand that kind of peace.
“I criticized my mom’s hope, but she met me with a challenge to read the book of John. In an effort to prove her wrong, I read the entire book that same night. I was struck by John 1:19—‘Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!’—and how often John said to believe in Christ. I realized I was part of ‘the world’ Jesus came to save through his death and resurrection, and he was who he said he was: Lord and Savior. That’s when I surrendered my life to Christ.
“More than anything, I wanted to trust in the Lord and obey him, but I continued to struggle with fear and control (Romans 7:19). My anxiety and depression got worse during my freshman year of college.
“One day, as I was seconds away from taking my life, I got a knock on my door. My dorm resident assistant said she’d been praying for me and sensed God wanted her to come ask me, ‘Do you know how much God loves you?’
“In that moment, I realized God didn’t want me to end my life. He didn’t want me to make my brokenness my identity. He wanted me to experience the abundant life he had for me. By God’s grace, that was the last time I had a suicidal thought.
“I found so much joy and freedom in community with other Jesus followers and discovered a passion for leading worship.
“As I neared graduation, I started to feel uneasy about a job offer I had accepted. Through prayer and time with the Lord, I felt like I was choosing something God didn’t want me to do. God made it painfully clear through a lack of financial support that it was not where he was leading me. I didn’t know why God was calling me somewhere else, but God didn’t ask me to understand. He asked me to trust him.
“That’s when a friend suggested the Watermark Institute, a 10-month program for those wanting to work in ministry. I knew leading worship was a gift God had given me, and he had put Dallas on my mind several months prior, so I applied. This was where God was leading me.
“My time in the Institute has been redemptive in ways I never thought possible. I’m being discipled by another woman of color who is a worship leader, showing me I’m not alone in my struggles and how to use my gifts to serve others. God is showing me through the godly men on my team that I can be safe in friendships and working relationships with men. God has shown me that he sees me and cares for me through his people, even on a church staff of 250 people. Through God’s Word in my studies with the Institute, I feel so full of joy and gratitude that he chose to save me—physically and spiritually.
“There was a time in my life when I defined myself by my brokenness, but God fixed my eyes on Jesus, who suffered so I could rejoice and gave his life so I could live. Now I know the same God who refused to let me take my own life is going to sustain me with joy and hope wherever he leads.”
Like Teish, God desires life abundant, joyful, and free for you in Christ, and he has more for your story. If Teish’s story resonates with you and you’d like to talk or pray with someone, our Care Team is available after services near the stage, or fill out the tear-off section of the Watermark News, and someone from our staff will respond to you this week.
If your struggles have you feeling stuck and hopeless, know that with Christ, there is hope. Every Monday evening, Re:generation offers a safe place for people to address their struggles and hurts head-on through a 12-step recovery process.