I grew up in a family where we didn’t talk about God. I believed in God, and I wanted to know more about him, but I didn’t understand how to have a personal relationship with Jesus. It seemed like it was based on me, my performance, and what I could do. I definitely didn’t understand grace.
I started drinking in high school, and my very first drink led to drinking so much that I blacked out, leading to alcoholic drinking and chaos in my life. Through God’s unbelievable grace for me, he spared me years of alcoholic destruction that I’ve seen on both sides of my family. I was able to get sober after an intervention from my parents and with the help of an addiction recovery program and a counselor.
I really didn’t intend to stay sober, but God grabbed my heart through the people around me. I started realizing my worth wasn’t in guys, success, my looks, or material things, and began changing the way I lived by letting go of self-centeredness.
After I got married and we started our family, I wanted to continue to grow in my relationship with God, but I wasn’t sure what I thought about Jesus. So, we joined a Bible church, and I remember it felt like God saying, ‘I want to know you. I want to be in a relationship with you.’ For the first time, I understood that Jesus died for my sin so I could be fully forgiven and reconciled to God. I surrendered my life to him at that point.
After that, God created many ways over the following years for me to grow in my knowledge and understanding of who he is.
In 2005, I started in recovery here at Watermark. My husband and I were struggling in our marriage, and he wanted to work on his anger. In my pride, I thought my experience made me equipped to be a leader because I was already walking through recovery.
But when I worked through the 12 steps of Re:generation, God revealed the unbelief in my heart and showed me that I was still trying to find my worth and value through how my husband treated me, what other people thought of me, how my kids performed, and my own success. I felt like I was not enough, leading me to struggle with control. God showing me my sin of unbelief opened my eyes to his unconditional love and grace for me. It connected my head knowledge and my heart, gaining a true understanding of Jesus and his will in my life. It was a huge shift for me to understand that his grace is sufficient and I don’t have to depend on my performance or striving. I went on to serve in Re:gen for many years, sharing the good news of Jesus and his love for us with other hurting women.
Then, over eight years ago, several traumatic events happened in a row, including a near-death car accident, the unexpected loss of a close friend’s son, and family members struggling with serious mental health issues. I’d never walked through grief like that. I experienced such deep pain and panic. I couldn’t figure out how to navigate everything.
Through the Lord’s provision of his people in my life, I started to experience deeper healing with that grief. I came to the bottom of my codependency and identified where it came from in early childhood roots of need for security and comfort. He showed me that he is enough, and that I can come to him for security and acceptance. This really shifted my intimacy with him and helped me with my obsessive negative thoughts.
He also revealed to me my self-condemnation. If I felt heavy feelings, I would tell myself that I’m not believing or having enough faith. I thought something was lacking or wrong with me, instead of being able to lament before the Lord in a healthy way. He showed me that I can come to him with my doubts, fears, and feelings. God is with me in my grief, sadness, and devastation. This allowed me to process hard emotions and move through them instead of feeling stuck or overwhelmed.
This helped me be a better listener, be more compassionate toward others, and let go of deep-rooted judgment. Ultimately, I keep learning that God’s way is higher than my way, and I can have peace in uncertainty.
As I reflect, one of the biggest blessings in my life is that I get to show up on a Monday night and share my story and hope in Jesus. He reassures me in my own walk when I share a similar experience with someone. I have the privilege of being with people on their first night of Re:generation, their last commencement night, and along the way. Seeing life change before my eyes is amazing. Their confidence, the way they carry themselves, and let go of burdens—they’re lighter, and they get to experience freedom, joy, and contentment in Christ!
I get to remind them when it gets tough, that God is in the midst with them and we can believe and trust that his promises are true and that he loves us. Serving in this way consistently reminds me of his faithfulness.
When difficult things happen in my life, I can rest in his sovereignty and let go of self-centered fear by spending time with him, trusting him, and surrendering everything at his feet. “I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).