Growing up, I desired to have a group of close friends, since two of my closest friends moved away. I looked for friends to fulfill me instead of finding my true friend in Jesus.
This led to periods of loneliness, along with feeling trapped in my thoughts and being seasonally depressed. Instead of telling others, I kept it inside.
While I was praying to the Lord for friendships, I didn’t know what it looked like to depend on the Lord in my other struggles.
In my freshman year, the Lord began to captivate my heart. Through Join The Journey, Watermark’s Bible reading plan, I learned how to read the Word and abide with Christ daily. Around the same time, the Lord was also faithful to provide friendships through my small group who taught me how to walk in community. I started to experience the joy of the Lord!
With high school also came the drive to perform in volleyball. In this, the Lord continued to teach me to trust God’s sovereignty when things didn’t go my way. He showed me the better things he had in store for me that were greater than just the sport. He provided and restored relationships with teammates and gave me the opportunity to share the love of Christ with them.
Around my sophomore year, I was exposed to unhealthy habits regarding my body and health on social media. This began a suffocating cycle. It wasn’t until last year that I really understood the weight of this struggle.
The Spirit moved me to confess to my community. However, I didn’t fully surrender my sin to Christ. I continued to leave doors open for the enemy to attack me. Then, I hit the lowest I have ever been.
While I looked fine on the outside, I was consumed by thoughts of my body, weighed down by comparison, and enslaved by food restrictions.
I remember my small group leaders asking me, “When you look back on your senior year, what do you want to see?”
My response was, “A girl who just got to know and love her friend Jesus more.”
A month later, I was angry and frustrated to see myself pursuing a perfect body image instead of fully pursuing God.
I was in a constant battle with the Spirit and my flesh. Matthew 6:24 states, “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other.” I was incapable of fully focusing on the Lord while also focusing on myself.
Then, I had a conversation with a friend about eternity and spending forever with Jesus. I now see the Lord used this conversation to change the desires of my heart to live with eternity in mind.
Colossians 3:1-2 opened my eyes to how temporary my body is. Jesus is eternal.
The Lord gave me the strength to close the doors I had opened for the devil to attack me. With this came overwhelming peace, freedom, and deeper love for the Lord and the gospel. I didn’t think he would save me, but he did. He amazed me.
I have seen the Lord’s provision and faithfulness in the godly friends he has placed in my life. But most importantly, I found my truest friend in Jesus.
While I am still broken and still struggle, the Lord has ultimate victory over my sin. I can see the sanctifying work of the Lord in me. I can see his hand all over my life. And I know the Lord is not done with my story.
I have looked and searched for fulfillment, life, and satisfaction, and have found it in no place but Jesus.